Could Those Be……NOSE HAIRS?

There are a few things you shouldn’t do after 11 o’clock at night when you’re halfway to dead, and one of them is to be anywhere near a high-magnifying mirror while you are keeping company with a pair of top-of-the-line grooming scissors,  a glass of wine and a rerun of an old “House” episode on the television set.    If you could see the inside of my nose, you wouldn’t have to read any further.

The main problem with a high-magnifying mirror is that you lose all sense of proportion.  If you tilt that mirror the wrong way while you’re sitting at the kitchen table and tweezing your eyebrows – as I was on that fateful evening —  you might wind up seeing deep into your nasal cavities,  and what might otherwise look like a cluster of basic, everyday, garden-variety nose hairs suddenly looks like the top of  Elvis Presley’s head.   I had never noticed that I even HAD hairs inside my nose until that moment, but there they were:  as if the inside of my nose was wearing a  toupe.   It’s the sort of thing over which I would make fun of other women for having, but it wasn’t so funny on me.   Bear in mind that I didn’t notice anything peculiar when I flipped the mirror back over and looked in the regular magnification – but on that high-enhancement side I looked like the “before” picture for a cosmetology product that has not yet been invented.

We expect men to start growing hair out of new orifices as they age – well, maybe not out of their MOUTH!    I know men whose ears serve as vases for the beautiful bouquets of hair that sprout out of that location.   And I know men whose nose hairs erupt so fulsomely from their nasal cavities that you could almost say they have a nose-stache.    When a man gets to a certain age and you’re stuck for what to buy him as a gift,  it dawns on you that perhaps he might like one of those grooming kits with the little scissors and tweezers  –  just not for Valentine’s Day.

But I am a woman!   I’ve never heard of women having this problem!  My questions at that hour were:  Am I an anomaly or am I drunk?  More importantly, though, should  I cut these hairs  or was this a slippery slope?   What if they grow back triply thick?  What if I develop impetigo – that  horrendous bacterial infection – from poking around in that moist, germ-welcoming tunnel?   The thought that trumped all these legitimate worries, however, was:   What if people have been wondering all this time when I’m going to get around to noticing the fact that I have a Rod Blagojevich level of hair inside my nose?   And then after I fix the problem,  people start whispering amongst themselves, “Did you notice?   She finally cut them!”

But was I actually capable of trimming these hairs without butchering the inside of my nose?   Hmmmmmmmm.   There on the television set was one of Dr. House’s minions questioning one of his orders.   “Can we actually do that to a patient?” she asked, to which  Dr. House replied, “Well, if we can’t, we’ll find out!”   Could I actually cut my nose hairs?    Well, I guess I’d find out.

Word to the wise:  You shouldn’t put a pair of scissors up your nose if you have obsessive-compulsive tendencies, which is a side of my personality that wakes up and dances after 11 p.m.    Let’s not just empty the dishwasher – let’s wash the dishwasher!    Let’s not just wipe down the kitchen counter – let’s try to whiten that grout with bleach and a Q-tip!

Which led to:  Let’s not just trim some of my nose hairs – let’s cut them as close to my nose wall as possible!   Which I did.   Fortunately, because I was watching “House,”  I did indeed cut them with surgical precision.   Thank you, Hugh Laurie.   And let me tell you:  You can’t believe how much better you can breathe after  you’ve given the inside of your nose a Brazilian!   The air goes all the way down to your toes.    I am constantly high just from breathing.

At first this was exhilarating.  I can literally feel the air flowing through my nose with every single inhalation.  There’s a downside to this, though.  If the purpose of nose hair is to keep dust, allergens, dirt and the like out of your lungs, it goes hand in hand that nose hair also keeps air from sneaking through.   So all this air rushing through my nasal cavities is beginning to be a drag.    How would you like to be reminded all day long of the fact that……you’re breathing?   It’s a time-sucker, believe me.

Still,  I am left wondering whether I’d always had hairs like this on the inside of my nose or if this  is a new halfway-to-dead development.   The parts of my anatomy that need grooming are beginning to take up more and more and more of my day.    Correspondingly, all of this grooming is still having a net result of diminishing returns.   In other words, it’s taking me more time to look worse as I grow older.

But you know what?  At the moment,  I don’t care if I grow a bush out of my nose.  I’m never going inside that place again.    And so at some point in what I hope is the very near future, I’ll let you know how long it takes for nose hair to grow back.

I wish, though, that  all of you have a high-magnifying mirror when you tilt your head back tonight to check out your own nose hairs.

– Marci Crestani

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3 Comments on “Could Those Be……NOSE HAIRS?”

  1. bc says:

    very true and Im scratching my nose as we speak

  2. ps says:

    love your blog they are so funny

  3. Hey – I thought only men could join this club. Welcome…sadly…

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